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I asked God why this supposedly grown woman has treated me so heartlessly and cruel. I asked Him why she relentlessly tried to abuse me emotionally and mentally harass me for this past year at this job. I asked Him to tell me what is wrong with her. I asked Him why this woman that I do not know would do such horrible and degrading things to me. He gave me a vision where He wrote in the sky:

Jealous

You don’t have, because you do not ask. –God.

“You want what you don’t have, so you scheme and kill to get it. You are jealous of what others have, but you can’t get it, so you fight and wage war to take it away from them. Yet you don’t have what you want because you don’t ask God for it.”

The Book of James, Chapter 4

So many wars have nothing to do with guns, but the toxic internal atmosphere in a heart full of insecurities.

I so deeply want the abuse and harassment to end. I so deeply want to be given a door of opportunity to leave. I am so tired. I want so deeply to be set free from others who are cruel and abusive. I want to be released and enter a new season –a new season with my Samwise. I want so deeply to be given that friend for the journey I’ve always wanted.

I want this to end. This year at this job has been heaped upon years of torment. I no longer want cruel, petty, insecure people in my life in any way. I want the ones who are meant for the journey and I want the journey to be full of the journey itself, not these things that are really a delay for the fullness to come.

“I know. It’s all wrong. By rights we shouldn’t even be here. But we are. It’s like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn’t want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn’t. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something.”
― Samwise Gamgee

I want my Samwise, and I want to discover who this new person for a new season is. I want rest, a rest I’ve never known. I want healing and to be set free from what all of this stress has done to me. I want a season of love and in this healing I want to be fortified in such a way that I will never be subject to the nasty provocation and cruelty of others.

I want healing for the journey ahead like a new pair of shoes and a sturdy pack with everything I need.