God calls such people “mad men”, or insane maniacs, who are like an insane person going around shooting others with firebrands, arrows and death.
I am tired.
The last seven years of horrific abuse have been more devastating and difficult than you could imagine. These people who do these things are psychotic. They have no shame, no conscience. They love to create a false reality for all to see while singling out one to abuse, and then attempt to make them believe they are crazy and that they are really not being abused. It is insane. It is a psychopathic personality type and even though they may not ever turn into full blown serial killers, they are dangerous and very harmful to who ever they decide gets the psychological abuse. I have been through so much, I don’t have it in me to deal with these kinds of people. I just don’t. They are incapable of stopping. It is a mental illness and they always have to have a target.
One thing I hope this generation learns is that the abuser is the one who is mentally ill, and the abused are wounded. There needs to be a huge shift in thinking.
Abuse is never justified. It is prohibited. It is mental illness to abuse, yet the abuser goes unacknowledged while the abused gets victim shamed and told they need to get help. It is true that we all need support, encouragement, and healing. But the one going around trying to destroy others is the one who truly needs psychiatric attention.
Gaslighting is a severe from of mental abuse.
I have been dealing with a very mentally depraved world for a long time now and dealing with the truth of our Federal government that is nothing but a fake store front for a hidden satanic cabal. I have been through more than you can imagine and suffered emotional torment the likes most cannot fathom. I have sever PTSD that I am trying to heal. I have good days and I have bad days. I do not have it in me to deal with or be around these psychotic people, or subject to them.
I truly believe that Heaven holds a love and desire for redemption and restoration of all that we all might manifest healthy behaviors. I truly believe this. I am in a place in my life that I need healing and restoration. I cannot tolerate another one of these people who crave to jab someone in their wounds or subject them to a sick psychotic psychological manipulation of abuse. I need rest. I need a time of healing. I need help. I need support. I need encouragement. I need counsel. I need connection. I need discussion of my truth rather than pretending it is not real while so many around me discuss it all without my inclusion, and so I sit in every room like the big fat white elephant that nobody wants to acknowledge.
I don’t have it in me to deal with psychopaths after these seven years. My hope, my desire, is for all to repent and turn away from the fruits of self hatred and fear. My hope, my desire, is for all to find healing. But I am in need of a place of rest. I am in need of healing. It has been a very long seven years. Nobody deserves to be abused, or gaslighted, or manipulated into a state of mental confusion and psychological torture. Nobody deserves that. It is uncalled for. It is inexcusable. It is wrong.
I cannot deal with someone who wants to turn the gas on every day and then make you question your own reality and sanity by saying or acting like it never happened. I do not have it in me to deal with someone who constantly wants to get under your skin and then praise you in front of others. I cannot deal with someone who thinks it’s funny to make others question their reality. Most days I am so in the negative that it is like carrying around a 1000 pound weight through out the day just to be out of bed. I don’t have it in me to deal with abusive people on top of it all. I need rest. On days I have a terrible night of terror and don’t sleep well, it is worse.
I am being honest when I say that I love the triage work that is my usual job. I love it. I love plowing through a bunch of cases and doing the digging and research. I love helping the medical investigators. I love those two. I love doing what I can to help them. I love knowing that I am helping people not fall through the cracks and get the help they need. I love that. I love partnering with the medical community to do things that Dr’s simply don’t have time to do. I love that. Today I tried to block out the world and focus on the work alone and had the best time clearing out a bunch of work. I loved it. I have been pulled away for corona virus duties, but yesterday and today I got to focus on my old job. I have to say that I’ve loved taking calls from the community and helping them with their coronavirus questions. I loved that. I have had the opportunity to get to know some other really super cool people from other departments as I have been stationed in different emergency response sections. I love that.
I am being honest with my struggles and PTSD. It is a real thing. I need rest, quiet, and a place that is free from abuse or being subject to an abusive person. I’ve always been told it only takes one rotten apple to spoil the bunch. All of the positives just can’t outweigh the weight of this. I have too much that I am already dealing with. My heart is that everyone find healing, redemption and an evolution and growth that leads to their greatest life and greatest expression. But I need to find a toxic free environment where I can feel relief and abuse free, find rest and healing without abuse. I don’t know how on earth to find a job. It was bad enough before all this virus nightmare began. I am going to try and fill out the transfer forms in hopes to be placed elsewhere. After seven years of abuse and horrific emotional and psychological torment that was piled on top of even more emotional abuse from other situations, I cannot deal with any more. It is beyond being “unprofessional”. It is bad, inexcusable behavior.
I am tired. I need rest. I spent all day today as I was working, praying and begging God to just come get us and take us home.
I really do need you to pray for me for so many things.