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Today I felt almost like 10% of the person I used to be. I had this strange sense of lightness and felt like laughing. If you have not ever experienced severe clinical depression, crippling anxiety, or horrific Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, then you simply are incapable of understanding.

Today I went to my favorite rock store. When I walk in and smell the sage and incense, and am surrounded by stones, crystals, items that inspire peace, joy and spirit, I feel so thankful. Today, that sweet owner, she was just about to do a guided meditation with someone and asked if I wanted to do it as well –free of charge. It was only ten minutes, so I had plenty time on my lunch break. I felt so happy to be there. She guided us in a meditation that would lead us to the realization of our Spirit Animal. I think we all know that Jesus’ Spirit Animal is a dove, and I was sure that mine would be the Red Hawk, especially after all the visits and being told that this particular one is mine that I’ve been seeing. So, I was very surprised to be shown the deer.

The meditation was incredible and I began to have visions and almost astral traveled, but was held down in the grounding of the guided message. I want you to know that I felt the presence of Holy Spirit. Holy Spirit loves this lady. He shows up when she speaks healing messages. I got lost in these moments and as much as my mind was spinning with different visions and the flow of the Holy Spirit, I kept bringing myself back to the path of thought she was leading us on. I did see my hawk and ladybugs and butterflies, and at the moment when we were coming to a close, my hole body lit up and like a tree pose in the vision with all sorts of animals all over me. But then it all went quiet and a deer just like this one in this picture was looking me square in the eyes. The rest of the day I saw this deer.

When I got back to work on the last quarter of the hour, I looked up spiritual meaning of deer. So far I’ve only read that one today. I feel a bit mesmerized by it.

“A sacred animal with the spirit of gentleness and softness, a messenger, a shaman; maize and femininity personified.”

He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; he enables me to stand on the heights.

Psalm 18:33

“Within the extensive imagination of myths, legends and cosmogonies, there are animals that, for one reason or another, carry symbolic or archetypical characteristics: the lion, the eagle and the snake are some examples. In the same way, the deer is a symbol of many things, the personification of virtues and a character of legends and myths.

The deer’s antlers are one of the characteristics that have made it the figure of a spiritual superiority, according to some. Like a crown, the antlers grow beyond its body, bringing it closer to the sky and making it sacred. In many cultures, the deer is a symbol of spiritual authority. During a deer’s life the antlers fall off and grow again and the animal is also a symbol of regeneration.

In the Christian imagination, the deer is a symbol of piety, devotion and of God taking care of his children: men. The legend of Saint Eustace, for example, tells the story of the Roman general who, before becoming a saint, was out hunting and came across a magnificent and enormous deer. When Eustace looked at the animal’s eyes, the light of Christ shone out of them and the voice of God spoke to him through them. Placido, the Roman name for the saint, gave up hunting and became a Christian.

In Celtic tradition there were two aspects of the deer: the feminine element, called Eilid in Gaelic, the female red deer, symbolizing femininity, gentles and grace. It was believed that the deer called to men from the kingdom of the fairies to free them from the trappings of the earthly world and taking them to the world of magic. Deer often turned into women in such legends in order to avoid being hunted. On the other hand, there was also Damh, the masculine element, which was also related to the sacred and to forests, independence, purification and pride. The stag is the king of the forest, the protector o all other creatures.

For the native tribes of North America, the deer was a messenger, an animal of power, and a totem representing sensitivity, intuition and gentleness. Some groups would entrust the hunt to the deer, which was also associated with fertility. There is a Cherokee legend that tells how the deer procured its antlers after winning a race against a rabbit. The animals of the forest wanted to know which of the two was the fastest, but the rabbit cheated before the race and the deer won its antlers.

In Buddhism, the deer symbolizes harmony, happiness, peace and longevity. When a male and a female deer are represented together (often beside the Dharma wheel) it is a direct allusion to the first teachings of Buddha near Varanasi. In one of this former lives, Buddha was a golden deer that spoke to men. According to that tradition, deers are by nature timid and serene animals and their presence in a place represents the purity of a kingdom bereft of fear. There are also Tibetan legends in which deer help men to solve problems.

For the wixaritarie people who inhabit central Mexico and are more commonly known as huicholes, the deer is an animal that translates the language of the gods for men. For the huicholes, the deer is the first shaman or mara’kame that later becomes an interlocutor between the shamans and other gods. The deer is closely linked to two plants: its heart is a peyote – the animal and the plant are one in essence – and corn, which is a deer and is represented by its antlers. In this tradition there is an infinity of deer and the most important are the original five, which are located at the five cardinal points (the blue, red, white, black and yellow deer). The reproductive cycle of the deer is connected to the huicholes’ ritual calendar.

The deer, which is related in many traditions with kindness, softness and gentleness, is, in one way or another, an animal that is connected to the gods and the sacred. One of the reasons for this could be its physical characteristics – its stare, its agility, its speed and its antlers— which inspire those values and symbols in the imagination of humans and in its metaphorical nature.”

So much, all of it, spoke to me in so many ways. It was such a sweet message. And I wondered, will I ever get back to “me”. Or, a new healed version of “me”. People really don’t know the battles I face every day, not to mention the real war I have been fighting. No, not this spiritual war that we face, but a real tangible physical war that I have been facing alone. I am wondering if the depression will keep on and I will keep having extreme lows. They are so extreme. The PTSD is extreme. I am very wounded. I am unwell, and when I have days like today when I feel a bit lighter, I am astounded at who I was and where I went for a while. It is incredible when God shows you what He sees in you, when He looks at you, like He did with showing me this deer for most of the day.

I have begun “accepting” things. I am trying to accept that I am not well. I am trying to accept the fact that I probably will never recover. I am hoping to find that God gives me counsel that is very aware of my truth, the visions I see, the terror I’ve intercepted, just everything I’ve gone through. There was a time that He picked someone to know my truth and be a friend and support for me, but it turned out to be a betrayal, abuse and more abandonment. I am hoping He finds a way to bring those into my life that are true and can be a “help” and counsel for me, friends who know and I can fully talk to without them disbelieving, because they know.

I need that.

I also need a new job. There are those that I am very fond of where I am, but what’s done is done there and I am being honest with you that it will not stop with the other ones that are intent on trying to provoke me and harass me. And I am being honest with you that I cannot bear anymore. There is too much that I am facing every day. I had such high hopes of starting new and starting fresh, and what has happened there has been such a huge disappointment. It too has been just more sorrow added to the heap.

I want a fresh start. I want a to start new. For those of you praying for me, please pray. I need to find something out of busy retail that will put many in harms way. I need to find something that will put me in a great environment. I am wondering if I get a job in behavioral health as an admin, or clerical, that I would find a group of understanding and compassionate people? I don’t know. I don’t know where to be. I certainly don’t have the luxury of taking mental health days every time I see horrible visions of the future terrors about to happen, or attempts on my life.

I need you to pray. I don’t know what the solution is. I don’t want to be somewhere where it will endanger multitudes of people. I don’t know what to do. I need to be in a place that honors each other. I am being honest that I have a real medical condition. I have to be honest with what has been done to me and how it is manifesting in my life. It is a serious medical condition. It is like I have a traumatic brain injury.

There are days I don’t sleep. I’ve read that is more impairing than drunkenness. I have that on top of the depression and PTSD, anxiety and insurmountable stress. I need you to know. What seems like a whatever, just ignore the dicks down the hall, as I’ve heard some say supernaturally in my mind, is not that easy for me. Twenty years ago I could have had a much better success in dealing with such people. I am not well and struggling most days with simply getting out of the bed and getting dressed, keeping from uncontrollable crying, just trying to breath.

I am praying for a new job that is conducive to healing with compassionate positive and mature people, and also for God to bring me wise counsel for encouragement and support and to help me navigate the medical condition that I am extremely suffering from.

I need you to pray for me, please. I am barley getting through most days.