This may sound weird to some because why would you have to “push” yourself to do things that bring you joy, but I am trying to do just that. You must understand that it can be difficult to do anything some days. See these cute little starters? There is a retired couple that will put out a plant sale sign and sell starters they have propagated just like having a yard sale. Isn’t that adorable?

I put them together in this pot and I think it will look so great when grown and trailing over.

They are a little wilty from me forgetting about them in the car most of the day, but they should pep up nicely. I can’t wait to see them over take this pot. The leaves are gorgeous and almost waxy like.

Here is a close up.

I am going to take it back to work and keep it there with my others. On a side note that little purple crystal in the first photo was a gift from my top boss. That was super thoughtful.

Then look again at this, what I am pretty sure is a croton, that I pinched off and it has already rooted in water. I put it in this crazy cute little vase. While I was out on a walk I noticed these bushes that lose all their leaves in the winter and were just sticks had blossomed all over and before even growing leaves. They are absolutely beautiful. I picked a couple and added them in there. I hope they will last awhile and I will find them looking good when I return on Monday.

I want to be healed. I want to let go. I want to move on. I want to continue to fight against terror and atrocities. I cannot figure out how to do both, be healed and also fight against horrors, the same horrors that seeing them led to me being so damaged. I wish I lived in a place where such things were honored. I don’t want to face it alone. What must I do to learn how to exist? How do you move on from a daily thing that is always present? If I see terrible things about to happen in the future, I need to then rest in a quiet place, and I am sorry, but I cannot deal with a constant harassment on top of it. I must find a way to be in a quiet restorative place. PTSD is a very real thing and I must find a way to be. I will never understand abusive people. I feel like if these ridiculous government imbeciles never invaded this job it would have been a great place for me to be.

One thing I know for sure, I’ve never deserved abuse or harassment, nobody ever deserves that. But for sure, intercepting terror should not be something that makes others want to harm you or harass you. I am at a loss to understand that. Whoever has been hiding out there doing this to me there should be forced to resign to say the least. It’s been 8 months of non stop harassment. And no, the government or its agencies such as FBI or CIA, NEVER have the right to invade your life, your job or your personal life and seek to sabotage you, harass or abuse you, provoke you or trigger your PTSD, or spy on you all day at work, or allow employees at your new job the ability to see personal things on your phone or computer…. It has been 8 months of gross human rights violations on top of everything else they’ve done to me. It makes me sad, so very sad. I feel like had they never done that to me I could have had a great career there and made life long friends. They are non stop trying to ruin my life, and why? Because I intercepted terror? How horrible of me.

Some days it is extremely difficult just to get out of bed. All of this has settled in me like a depression that I cannot process. I am trying very hard to find ways to create a little joy in my life because it is like my soul is battered and starved.

I hope at some point in my life I can enter into a very healing season. I feel like I cannot move on to a healed state in the presence of constant triggers.