I was told once by a psychiatrist that it is absolutely absurd for anyone to tell someone with depression to “choose joy” or “choose to shine”, or any of those phrases like “cheer up.” He said it is equivalent to someone pierced in the jugular being told to “just stop bleeding” . Seriously, can you just get over yourself and stop bleeding out? What the hell is wrong with you?
Get the point?
I don’t have “manic” episodes that are extreme happiness. I do have hyperactivity at times, or the inability to focus or sit still –that is related to the 7q11, not depression. So I know I do not fit into this “bipolar” definition. I am chronically sad. And it is more than chronically sad. It is that but with episodes of severe, deep, dark, depression that is many times brought on by the PTSD and triggers. There are some days I do pretty well at hiding it. But there are days that are severe.
I was given a dream last night and it made me angry. I was sick in bed and I saw the person who was mostly responsible for my sadness standing there. I got up and noticed all around the rooms were garbage and when I bent down to pick it up, there were condoms in it. There were condoms everywhere and I was filled with disgust. This was this man’s place, his apartment, and to think that this is where I am “living” makes me sick. As I was bent down with paper towels to try and manage to grab a bunch of garbage that had condoms in it to pick it up, cockroaches crawled all over my hand.
My first response to God after I awoke was, “really”? “I am supposed to press into healing and letting go but then you give me shitty dreams to recall hurt?” “What happened to binding up the broken hearted?” “When are you going to fulfill that promise?”
You see these were not my condoms. Believe me, I have been a self service station for a long time. This was about this person. A person that I do not even know. A person that I came to be aware of his existence by prophetic vision from God. So, why in the hell would I care about some guy I don’t know who fucks everything in sight and let it settle in me like depression? Because it was a prophetic vision over my life, and this man was to be my family and come into my life when I so desperately needed a friend and support for this incredible and extraordinary journey. It was a vision that was dear to me and one I waited on for years, for a very long time. This is hard for most of this realm to understand, but he broke a Heavenly bond –a God-bond, a betrothal. I know I am talking to the year 2020. It was a plan sealed in heaven, and God Himself tore it in half because of his careless and disrespectful behavior that had no regard for me, or God and His plan. He despised God. I know this is hard for so many to understand, but I fell in love with the future and I watched it fade. I watched children that were to be mine fade. I watched what I had waited for for so long fade. I watched an extended family that I so deeply wanted to be my own fade. I watched this person that God said He was joining to me fuck other women in visions and it destroyed me in ways that I cannot explain. He despised God because he did this after knowing about the visions. I hope he has truly been kicked out of working on whatever team has been working on these visions to prevent terror, and is no longer reading any of my thoughts. This is not about trying to get at him. This is about me trying to process it all and truly move on. Not to mention, I need those who pray for me to pray, and I do not have anyone to talk to about any of this. If I have unresolved grief on top of PTSD from seeing bombs and myself tortured, kidnapped, and whatever else, then perhaps this is just one aspect of the whole picture that needs healing. But it is not the complete picture. You know, it killed me. There is no reconcile. I don’t think I would ever want it anyway, but my wants don’t matter in this situation. I witnessed God’s hand come down and separate the bond and it was torn away. I lost so much. I lost a family. I know this is hard for you all to understand, but I was married in the Spirit, and joined to someone by God. It was a betrothal for a very unique destiny. I know you cannot grasp what I have gone through, but understand it was severe and I cannot believe God allowed it to happen to me. I cannot believe He allowed it to happen. If He foreknew the future, the He foreknew that it would come to that. I am angry that He allowed it to happen to me and I would rather to never know of his existence, this person that I wish to forget even exists that I do not even know. I want to let it go. I want to forget his face. I want to forget he even exists. I want to move on. I am not desiring to have this absurd dishonorable person in anyway. I find him repulsive. Yet, here God is telling me that I am suffering in my soul because of garbage that he brought into my life. Why am I talking about this? Just let it go, Lynnette. Well, you can thank God for that. He is the one giving me visions of my subconscious, telling me that this garbage that this man brought to my soul is causing me to be sick and attracting the demonic plaguing of my soul.
How in the hell do you think I should feel about that? Good Lord, God, let me move on. For goddsakes do your Godjob and bind up my heart.
God severed the bond He put there and changed the future He showed me and then God cried. He held me in a vision and cried.
I feel angry because He is God. He could have never led me to believe in something and fall in love with a future that He knew would never be.
I want to move on and be healed. But not so I can be with anyone else. I don’t want to be with anyone. I don’t trust anyone. I don’t even trust God. What a cruel thing to do to me. All I’ve ever wanted was God. Nobody has mistreated me more than Him. I wasted years of my life waiting on a future that I fell in love with that will never be. I waited for years for the most unbelievable thing to happen. So, no, I hope to never lay eyes on this thing that was to be some kind of dark gift that I still cannot figure out. What was that cruelty to teach me? Oh, thank god for unanswered prayers and dark gifts, blessings in disguise. Well, I cannot find where this held any good thing whatsoever. It was just cruel and it was at God’s hand because in knowing who this man was, He could have never chosen to ever expose me to him even if it was only in this beautiful visions of the future that were only a deception and a lie. God lied to me. He deceived me. For what? So I could bear my own cross?
Fuck that. You said you bore the cross so I would not have to. You took my place. I thought You said that you came that we might have life and have it abundantly?
What a load of shit! Maybe nobody can figure out how to reflect Your image because You can’t figure out You.
What a cruel thing you’ve done to me.