I have accepted the truth of it that I will never be okay. I will never be the person I once was. I will always be severely damaged. I will always be severely depressed and severely damaged beyond repair. Maybe in simply admitting this I can somehow better begin to build coping mechanisms for when it is out of control? I don’t know. But I know it’s bad. I know that I am, I can’t find another way to say it, severely damaged beyond repair. I will never be the person I once was. It can never be reversed. I cannot pretend that I am well. I am not. I will never have a successful life. Every day is a daunting mountain of heaviness, stress, heartbreak, unbearable pain. Every day is a day I choke down who I have become like pain caught in my throat. Some days it is so painful that it actually feels better to be enraged with anger than actually feel the grief. These years can never be taken away. There is nothing I want more than for God to bring justice upon those responsible. There was a time I tried so hard to make jokes as a way of making myself feel better and I can’t even do that anymore. The cruelty that has been done to me is beyond belief. Those responsible belong in prison for the rest of their lives. Most days I just want to go home to Heaven, and many days I’ve spent all day begging that He would come get me. I’ve spent so many days begging Him non stop to just come and take me away, but also my kids so they won’t be sad and we can all be in Heaven together. There is no excuse for what has been done to me. It is beyond comprehension. The cruelty and lack of mercy for six years —is something I cannot believe. I could not believe it if it did not happen to me. I cannot believe there are people, and so many all in on it, that would do this to anyone. I will never be well. I have decided to never allow anyone to touch me. No one is safe. No one can be trusted. I want no one. How do you think I should feel about those who watched and did nothing? How do you think I should feel about those I’ve seen tracking my periods? I don’t want anyone who thought this was fun or funny. I don’t want anyone who thinks I’m nothing to have unless I step into fortune. I don’t want anyone who thinks this is something to do to anyone. I fall into these visions of people and wanting to trust God, but I’ve told Him that I cannot even trust Him. I will never trust Him. What He has allowed to happen to me is irreversible. I will continue to speak of things in hopes to clarify ancient writings and hopefully begin to break religion off of this planet through higher truths of the shadows and types. But I cannot trust His visions, or ever allow them to set me up for such immense emotional torture. The cruelty of this world is beyond measure. I don’t like any of you, you know who you are. I will never want to be with you, and I will certainly never work with you either. Sure, if I see a vision tomorrow that you are in danger, I will release it in hopes to intercept it, but don’t confuse that with anything other than an obedience to what God has entrusted me with. I have no regard for any of you. I believe many of you belong in prison for what you’ve done to me.
I’ve been reading about different thoughts on the spirit message of the black cat after seeing one in the nursery today and that came right to me. It was clearly a special moment with an intended message.
For those in religious bounds and boxed in minds from bad dogma, consider Balaam’s Donkey and then consider the God we believe in. Your bad dogma does not limit our limitless relationship. He has sent messages to me through animals many times, messages that speak to me internally. Magic, or the supernatural, is a very real thing though it is currently beyond our ability to understand the inner workings of it in order to dissect it and then put it back together. I knew this cat was a message, but what was it. It immediately felt like encouragement. It felt friendly, not any kind of bad omen. Just for the record, I tend to agree with some that the black cat is not bad luck, but it can be a messenger of bad luck just ahead –just like Balaam’s Donkey. No, not a symbol of bad luck, but a good omen that you are going to be protected if you pay attention to the warning. They are good luck. But this was a magical little creature that smiled at me. Black cats tend to also be linked with magic.
Then I realized I had just posted on social media a picture of a button fern and talking about how cute they are, and in the same text asked God to protect my spirit. It was right then when I turned around and saw this black cat coming right towards me to smile and then love on me. He has been telling me for quite awhile that magic is mine for the journey, and it certainly has been a way that I’ve been protected. Then I read that the black cat can be a sign of protection.
I wish I got a picture of his cute face before he went on his way. I am looking forward to learning the mysteries of the supernatural and growing in the gift of magic. I feel like it is the only thing I look forward to and I want to be left alone and left to it. I hope the day I long for will soon come and I can enter a very long time of quiet. I can see myself spending the hours in meditation and finding a peace in the midst of a person I’ve become. I don’t expect healing. I only hope for finding peace as I accept the damaged person I am.
Look at this side view of the prayer arrangement that I posted earlier today. It is a magical message before the entire Universe. Do you see to the left the Carnelian Stone standing up? Do you see there is an angel in the markings? See the wings, the orb above the head, and the wand it is holding?
Awhile back when I said that I might go on to write the greatest book on magic ever written, perhaps that will come true.
I ask daily for those responsible for these last 6 years to be brought to justice. They should lose the right to be free and spend the rest of their days behind bars. They should be shown no mercy for having no mercy. In this way others will be protected from the monsters they are, and they will be as an example before all.
I only want to be left alone and to be in a quiet season. I only want to find a way to earn an income in a job that will be joyful and protective of my spirit as I learn to cope and function to the best of my ability.