Photo by fauxels on

I always talk about the future. I am always trying to understand visions and timelines. I have watched timelines fade –lost. A space in time that will never be. I watched children that were to be mine fade like memories of the past. I have grieved the future so deeply. I have grieved so deeply. It is a pain inside that has made me sick physically.

Now, I want to focus on the now. I want to shift to the now because it cannot wait any longer. In waiting for the future I lost 6 years of the now for a future that is lost and will never be.

I’m tired.

I want a positive work environment with a great team that reaches for success by lifting each other up. I’ve come to know that I can never have a job in any government sector. I loved my job and I loved many there. But what they did ruined my chances of developing real and honest friendships. They set me up and took away the opportunity of getting to know people naturally. They provoked bullies that won’t stop.

God knows how tired I am.

What do I want for my “now”? What a concept. I want to have a positive workplace. I cannot deal with a toxic workplace. I refuse to believe that any where I go I will have to put up with people like this. I try to give my best, and I try to do so under extraordinary stress, many days on little sleep with great difficulty and a strain to focus –but I’ve done a good job of fulfilling the role I had there. I am tired of dealing with such environments with bullies. I am tired of trying to give my all and having others actively working to sabotage and harass me. What a waste. If it’s not one thing, it’s another. If they aren’t intentionally messing with the boiler room next door to create incredible noise and heat in my office because they know I am struggling to focus, they are sending people in my office to interrupt me, or walking by to make comments. With PTSD and this insurmountable stress, and not having any support, and no real way to communicate, they allowed these people access to my phone and the times I revealed how tired or stressed I was through internet searches, these people thought it would be a great time to kick me while I was down. I know now that I can never send messages via internet searches or on my phone. Not only did they not protect me in this horrific nightmare, they set me up with workplace bullies. I will never send them anymore. I will never communicate in that way ever again. I don’t care if I die. I am tired of the abuse. I am tired of mean spirited insecure bullies. I intercepted terror and the world sought to destroy me and bully me for it. Some days I am so baffled by it all. I will never be able to wrap my mind around it. I’ve tried so hard to do a great job there and while being hunted and trying to stay alive, trying to save other lives. And they have actively engaged in a bullying campaign. I cannot understand it. Provoke the girl with PTSD, such fun. Bully and harass the girl who intercepted terror, we must find ways to punish her.

I want a positive life. I want a spiritual life.

I am so tired.

I want my “now” to look like a great work environment with courteous and respectful people.

I know this cannot happen in any government sector no matter how many good people are mixed in there. I will always be a target. There will always be someone whispering in someone else’s ear and pushing them to provoke and harass me. I have accepted it. The government is a corrupt joke.

I am working on my resume right now and I feel hopeful. I feel sad to leave a job that I enjoyed and those I think highly of. But I have too much put upon me and I need something to be joyful, not another drain and an avenue for this horrific government to stress and harass me through. I don’t understand people like that. One thing that God has revealed to me is that those who behave that way are most insecure. It is a pitiful thing to watch. It will never end there. So, I will go. Perhaps it is the blessing in disguise I have been waiting for.

Please keep me in your prayers for a great new job in a place free from government interference and harassment and abuse and sabotage.

Some days I just cannot believe God has allowed all of this to happen to me. I’ve always tried to do my best. I know that has got to be appreciated somewhere. I am asking in prayer for a great team environment.