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I understand myself to be different in some ways. I think this is why I have wanted so deeply for God to find and pick someone for me. I don’t have the heart to go on a series of mistakes. I live from a deep place. I connect differently. I tend to feel and hurt very deeply, but I also love deeply. I understand myself to be different in some ways. I know and perceive myself to want to connect in an intimate way that is not like what I see in movies or sitcoms, all these reality shows. It is just not me. We meet others as deeply as we have met our self. I am not one of those people who are just looking for a hook up. I am not ashamed to say that it has been a very long time. It’s odd to me and I know that I would not survive it. I cannot separate it from the spiritual. I want a connection without judgement, but at the same time I am unable to have a superficial view of it all. I believe that even without judgement, there is healthy and unhealthy manifestations. I want healthy. I want real. I am not interested in games. Haven’t I learned that God makes mistakes? Perhaps that is why it is written that God was sorry that He created man and repented of it.

I told God, no more. I told Him not to give me any more dark gifts and lessons. What more can I say? At what point does the season change? I know all things shape us and we become ready for the true blessing, and ready to not take it for granted and to take it seriously. Don’t they say that love the second time around is the best? I’d rather be alone than settle and that is no put down for anyone. We are who we are and we are not meant for everyone. We are meant for what fits. So, here I am this creature in love with God, and angry with God, and given the ability to perceive, feel, and see intent and future timelines. How do I process it all?

When I am shown Sergey’s thoughts that I am too fat, then I know that depth I crave is not what I will find there. Then today when being given a vision of Tom and a defensive spirit, I was shown myself as tall as the sky and I knelt down and picked him up in the palm of my hand and kissed his punches. I need someone to be my calm in the storm, not another fight. Then I was shown Duane and he fell backwards three times, and then I saw him with his hand upon his heart. I see Robert all the time. How should I interpret all of that?

How do you think I should exist with such an existence? I am riding this roller coaster of visions and future timelines and trying to be present for my kids, and trying to stay focused at work, and trying to see the bullet or bomb before it happens. How would you live with seeing intent? Why is God showing me these things? I cannot be anything other than what I am. I have moments of depression, though they are getting more manageable. I have PTSD. I cannot pretend it away. I read a great article today on a lack of empathy in psychopaths. I feel like I have too much empathy at times. I want God to give me wisdom in it and balance to not be heartbroken over the world. I tell my girls to find someone that is a protector of the heart. Those are the most precious men, the ones that are warriors for the one they love. I am not a reality show.

I imagine I will fall in love with effort. Though I might not recognize it since I’ve never seen it before. This I know is true, you fight for what you love. This I know is true, once I taste real nothing else will do. Consider yourself and don’t waste your own time, not to mention mine.

All I can do is throw them all to the wall and see who sticks.